


Dear Daiki

by bisexualhotchner



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:08:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualhotchner/pseuds/bisexualhotchner
Summary: A series of letters Kise wrote Aomine after his untimely death.
Relationships: Aomine Daiki/Kise Ryouta, Kise Ryouta/OFC
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's not too many happiness in here folks. The ending is ~relatively~ happy but its really just heavy with only a little bit of floating above the surface of water. uhhhhanyway! enjoy? I wasn't sure about the dating, but Aomine and Kise were 22-25 when Aomine died, and Kise is about 30-33 at the end.

Dear Aominecchi,

I look back on a lot these days. Not much else I can do, to be honest with you.

I think about the time we first met. How it felt like fate, but I never told you. I listened to Midorima and I wouldn’t ever have thought you would believe in this stuff. You’d probably think all of this is corny, but I never felt this way before or after you. I don’t think I ever could again. Meeting you was experiencing love at first sight, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

I knew that I was drawn to your basketball. The way you handled yourself in the court was fascinating. I miss basketball, to be honest. I miss watching you play with the same elegant nonchalance you carried yourself with. Like you owned the world, but at the same time you couldn’t care less about it. I was at your feet, and it didn’t seem like you could care less about me either.

I also think about the day it happened. When we shopped for Kagamicchi’s birthday, and you ended up buying him a graphic t-shirt with the American flag and some very bad English grammar. We were both second years. We had pizza at my place. You had spinach stuck between your front teeth, and you kissed me. You thought I was looking at your mouth because I was thinking about kissing you. I thought a lot about kissing you, and I was angry you were the first to make a move, and for a dumb thing like this, really. I tried to lick the spinach out of your teeth and you laughed at me. ‘What was that?’ you asked, coyly moving your brows. ‘Do you even know how to kiss someone?’ We bickered about that. I definitely kissed more people than you did before we kissed each other and got stuck kissing each other.

I remember your palm on my bare hipbone, snuck under my shirt. You did that a lot, later, but I remember how it felt when you did it the first time.

It felt like owning the world and caring less about it.

It’s getting harder to talk about this now. I have to go.

Yours forever,

Kise

2016 May 11th


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Daiki,

You know I’m not very good with words. Yes, we both know that. Even Kurokocchi knows that. I told him, ‘I’m not very good with words, Kurokocchi’. You should’ve seen the look on his face. Or you shouldn’t have. It was pretty sad.

Most things are pretty sad these days. I’m pretty sad.

I don’t really know what to do without you.

Much love,

Your Kise.

2016 May 27th


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Daiki,

I showed my last letter to Kurokocchi, and he said it isn’t enough. I don’t know why he thinks that. I don’t know why he thinks he has the right to tell me if I’m grieving right.

There’s no right way to grieve.

I’m thinking there’s no right way to die, either, but you

yours was the worst of all the possible ways to do it. You were so ~~fu~~ stupid

I feel really tired all the time. And lonely. When I’m around people, I want to be alone. Everybody bores me with their sad looks and their condolences. Murasakibaracchi seems to be the only person I can bear right now. I don’t know if it’s because he’s mostly braindead or his emotional intelligence is closer to zero than any other number ever, but he doesn’t talk much, and I don’t push him.

It hurts to think about how I love you. When I remember that, I feel like I might fall apart.

You were so stupid.

Forever yours,

Ryouta.

2016 May 31st


	4. Chapter 4

Aominecchi,

It’s 3 AM and I think I’m drunk and I don’t know what to do I keep thinking about that day about the water on the railing and how you laughed and how I should’ve fell with you, I don’t know, I should’ve taken your hand ~~I should have~~

I miss you so much I miss how you smiled at me I miss how you smell. I’ve been sleeping on your side of the bed and I think you would hate how wet I’m making your pillow every time I cry myself to sleep. I think your scent is fading but I don’t ever want to let go I’ve let you go once and look what happened. I imagine you scolding me in the morning for making a mess and for looking like a mess, you’d tell me to go put on some make-up or other girly shit I like and I’d threaten to put glitter in your boxers and we’d hit each other in the arm and laugh it off and kiss and kiss and kiss.

You tasted like sunshine and everything good in this world and now you’re gone and I haven’t made coffee in weeks because there’s no one to drink it before I could get a chance to even take a sip, there’s no reason to make omelets when you’re not around to steal from my plate. Most days I don’t want to get out of bed but if I stay I’ll just think of you and cry. Kurokocchi keeps me company sometimes, Kagamicchi cooks for me and I still haven’t been able to look Momoicchi in the eye.

I never told you I bought the rings.

2016 June 2nd


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Daiki,

Happy birthday to me. Don’t worry, I know you didn’t get me anything. You probably wouldn’t have even if you were

Anyway. I went home for my birthday. Mom and dad invited my sisters over and for once a gathering didn’t feel like your funeral all over again. Haruka-chan squeezed me a little tighter than usual but she didn’t say much else. In fact, we didn’t talk about you, I know this hurts your ego.

You were still in my thoughts. You’re never leaving them. Not talking about you isn’t making them go away but talking about you makes it even worse. I feel like I’m just running in circles about this.

Momoicchi called to wish me a happy one. She sounded broken. I felt so guilty I almost threw up.

I don’t think it’s my fault. But she still lost her best friend.

Always yours,

Ryouta

2016 June 18th


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Daiki,

I’ve been doing grief counseling. I realized I can’t handle replaying your accident in my head every day without talking to a professional. I feel like I’m stuck in a time loop. It’s just waking up, eating leftovers, going to work, getting home, crying myself to sleep. It’s really no way of living.

My therapist said there should be a life after you. Frankly, I disagree.

Yours,

Ryouta

2016 July 5th


	7. Chapter 7

I talked to Momoi today. She made me sad.

And then she made me angry. And sad again. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to move on.

Momoi told me that you would want something more for me than getting stuck.

I told her you don’t want anything, because you’re dead. It made her flinch and cry almost immediately. I felt so shitty. I’m sorry I keep hurting her after you’re gone. I don’t mean to. I should be taking care of her like you did.

I don’t think she knows how much you’ve done for her. I don’t think you know how much you’ve done for everyone. How much you’re still doing to me. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to write to. I feel understood, listened to, even if you can’t understand or listen any more.

I think it’s the first time I could put down the truth. That you’re dead. You fell to your death when we had picnic on the rooftop. A completely normal day, except the railing was just a little more damp than usual, and you were more reckless than usual.

I feel guilty. I think I made you reckless. Not just that day – I had a habit of inspiring that recklessness in you. Like when you punched Shougo. Like when I got jumped on the way home, and you got so angry you couldn’t come home all night. I can imagine that you tried to find the people who assaulted me, but instead beat up someone else. Jumping up on that railing wasn’t an act of violence, sure, but it was still the freedom, the promise of my love that drove you, wasn’t it?

‘Dai-chan did what Dai-chan wanted,’ Momoi told me after we settled on the couch, slumped against each other. Both our eyes red from crying, our throats sore from screaming. She gave me a small smile. It broke what was left of my heart. ‘Don’t blame yourself.’

I can’t help it.

Your Ryouta.

2016 July 29th


	8. Chapter 8

Happy birthday, Daiki.

I still think about you. I miss you like crazy. I’m getting to a point where I can think about something else other than you, but it’s still very hard. I focus on work, though. There’s a new TV show in progress and they’ve asked me to play a role. It’s minor, sure, but you would love to see me on the screen, I know it. I go out with Kurokocchi sometimes. He’s not as careful around me as he used to be. He talks about the kids in school, how they misbehave. I don’t think we would’ve been very good parents if we decided to have some of our own. We’re way too childish for that kind of work.

I still haven’t played basketball, not since the accident. I’m afraid I would see too much of your style in myself and broke down in front of everyone. Like that haven’t happened before, ha ha.

I don’t like writing down ha-ha. I want you to hear how I’m chuckling to myself. I hope you do.

That’s strange, I never thought where you would’ve gone after death. I’m not very religious. See, I’m pretty self-centered like that: I only cared that you weren’t by my side anymore.

I think you would say you went to Hell. You never believed you were a good person, not really. You once told me every good you did was to make up for your bad. I’m sure my therapist would have a field day with you.

I’m still seeing her. Or well, she’s seeing me. I mostly just cry through our appointments.

But this is about you, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I get distracted.

I made your favorite today. I had to re-learn how to cook, but Kagamicchi helped. He brought me home-made meals while I was grieving. He has a good heart, that guy. I’m sad you two didn’t get to spend more time together.

I’m sad, but I’m happy. For you. Just for today. It’s your birthday, after all.

I don’t know what to do with the rings. I don’t want to sell them. I didn’t put yours on your finger before you were buried.

I’ll go down to visit you one of these days. I’ll bring you flowers, even though you probably think they’re corny (again). I think Momoi would like to come with me

Look at me, making plans with people. I’m putting myself out there again. Is this what you wanted for me? Everyone says it is. I don’t know. I’ve been so blinded by your absence I forgot to care for the image of you still inside of my head. I thought about you, and I remembered you, but I remembered you like our bed remembered your shape. Not who you really were. Not what you thought and what you liked and what you wished for. If you had a wish for me, I failed to honor that so far.

I think you would wish me happiness. To move on, eventually, and find my flame again. But here’s the thing, Aominecchi – I’m not sure that can be done.

But you’re not here to guide me, so the least I can do is my best. If that’s not enough, you shouldn’t have left me alone, dumbass.

I love you.

Yours forever,

Ryouta.

2016 August 31st


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Daiki,

You haven’t left my thoughts. But my memories of you faded. I had to make place for new memories, new people. That doesn’t mean I don’t turn my head when someone smells like you on the streets. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about lazy Sunday mornings, or ketchup-stained kisses in fast food restaurants.

Just because you’re not everything to me anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t hold you in my heart. But I’ve learned to accept others into it, too.

I have a family now. I grew up to be a father, can you believe it? It turns out that being childish can even benefit you with a three year old. She’s beautiful. I named her Daiya, and her mother just went along with it.

Not from pity, I hope. She knows everything about you. She knows that if you hadn’t died, we would still be together. We’d probably have a Daiya on our own. She understands that the love I have for her can never be the same as the kind of love I had for you. I love her, and she loves me, and she accepts this humbly and kindly. I’ve learned not to feel terrible about it.

There’s so much that’s happened since then. Most of the guys from basketball are married. Kagami finally made it to the NBA, he plays for Golden State now. Before that, he was with the San Antonio Spurs. He said they weren’t his kinda guys. I wonder what he meant by that.

Kuroko has a child. Adopted, he’s a single dad. He does it effortlessly, I wish he taught me a few things.

Momoi adores Daiya. We have her over every other weekend. She gets along with Mei-chan, too. They love aggravating me, especially about my old TV roles. Bad writing is really not the actors’ fault though.

I get movies now. I have an agent and all. It’s really fancy.

I gave up on basketball. I miss it, but it’s more than enough to watch Kagami’s matches. I don’t think I know how to dribble a ball anymore. Let’s hope Daiya-chan takes up soccer or something.

I still go to therapy. I still have our rings. I still go out to the cemetery every other month. I still wish I took your hand on the rooftop back in May 2016. I still feel responsible, and I’m still sad.

But I have happiness in my life again. I hope that’s what you wanted for me.

Love,

Ryouta.

2024 May 10th


	10. Chapter 10

_hey kise_

_thanks._

\- 2010, scribbled on a piece of paper


End file.
